We have a plan!
Well, hello there!
I am thrilled to share that I have some wonderfully specific, delightfully unexpected, strangely pragmatic, and well overdue good news.
Great news, in fact:
In one incredible twist of fate, I have managed to remedy all my problems of the last few years, including but not limited to:
definitely “not” losing work because of being disabled;
having to reconnect multiple times with my petulant body to feel some sort of control over it;
the cabin fever-inducing requirement to remain forever nearby my actually-a-miracle-walking specialist doctor; and, of course,
the need to escape the nightmare that has been this wasp-infested, strangers knocking on my window, first-floor ceiling “rain,” drag me through hell and to housing court landlords, and the money pit that has been my home of the last five years.
And thus, without further atonal fanfare, I am proud to share that my solution to preventing impending homelessness and unfortunate fates…..is getting into an Ivy League.
Yup.
I also did not see that one coming.
I’ve known for just over a week, and wow am I still shifting gears!!
It starts in January, and as I prepare, I’m learning the differences between “scared” and simply “stressed.”
The plan has gone from:
Make a GoFundMe → look at shelters → ask for help with selling everything I own, to
Uh, still have a GoFundMe, but add a much-needed update → figure out how many hoops to jump before getting school housing → ask for help with moving most of what I own
Also, IVY LEAGUE.
It keeps hitting me in waves. I’ll go to panic about my future and current chaos, and then remember “oh right, I actually have a plan, and it just happens to include an absurdly incredible opportunity to have my primary focus in life set to learning.”
I see now that all of my favorite jobs have required extensive onboarding with a constant need to learn and grow built into the work environment. Even through the chaos of trying to crack the current job market, I’ve made financial cuts to everything from “how often do I really need to do laundry?” to “I can probably reuse this piece of parchment paper if I’m eating the same thing…and the paper hopefully won’t catch fire” – but I chose to keep audiobooks.
I have no other streaming platform, so my equivalent of having some random show or movie playing in the background was replaced with so many weird and free audiobooks. Between hungrily consuming the next installment of my new favorites (and typically British) book series, I’ve crocheted to tales of pirates stuck along Antarctica, sassy Italian librarians in the 16th Century, and some of the most ridiculous ways that humans have tried to survive…and that’s just the non-fiction.
…I swear my Goodreads over the last few years looks like someone stole my credit card and went on a really strange spree.
Pirates aside (or maybe included), all of this made me realize how much I love learning, and what a delicacy it has become in my life. So that’s how I have ended up heading back to school.
As for the Ivy side of it: I am honored, and I know that little teenage me is SO PROUD.
I remember seeing myself in high school as a puppy running alongside horses. I took as many AP classes as I could, pretended I was part of that race, and worked towards “Fancy College” just like all of my friends; when my real race was just getting to graduation before my body collapsed.
I was that puppy trying to pretend to be a stallion, focusing on class rather than the chaos I had at “home.” Even after 15 years of being free of my abuser and happily having no contact, I still catch myself at times clinging to the visible scars and the night terrors as proof of what I endured, and maybe as an excuse for why life has been so hard.
And here is where we all collectively reach for the tissues:
All of this, from the audiobook pirates, to work that involved a fair amount of STEM, to the AP classes of old as my brain was stuck in fight/flight/freeze – is what made me a “compelling candidate” to my new school.
Which….I….what??
I am so used to everything being seen as a hindrance: a kaleidoscope collision of too fragile, too experienced, not experienced enough, self-taught, self-diagnosed, not misdiagnosed, worthy of medical care, worthy of being believed, worthy of surviving - and having every single earth rotation turn that scrope into a new optical illusion, which I need to convince others to see through my eyes.
It’s been hard. And I shy away from words like “strong” since that often implies “choice,” and my options are typically “success” or “failure” at surviving.
Thus far, I’ve fallen into the “success” category, but with lots of work, never classified as work, and rarely being seen as a skill at all….and somehow, an IVY LEAGUE said “yes, that is definitely incredible.”
Even in their acceptance letter, they stated that they hope I classify GETTING INTO AN IVY LEAGUE as another achievement along my journey.
This.
This Is so much more than my little 17-year-old puppy heart could have hoped for; this is acceptance that extends so far beyond admissions. I am being brought into a renowned environment that wants to include me for all the strange plot twists and detours that have made me the creature I am now.
Where I have seen chaos and endless challenge, they see potential and previous success.
Never have I felt this valued and chosen in a world that was not built for the exceptions; but now I get to sit among the exceptional, and learn new ways to make this world better for everyone.
Wow.
And because plants are everything to me, let’s talk about ivy:
Ivy scales walls, finding places to elevate itself, using even the tiniest cracks, as it climbs against gravity and chooses its own path. It does this while also fighting pollutants, making the lives of those around it safer and easier to flourish while at its side.
I couldn’t have dreamed up a better symbol, nor would I have dared to imagine such a miraculous next step in this wild journey of mine.
I am so lucky.
And I absolutely can’t wait to see what’s next.